Real Stuff

I'm just having a tough day today and I need to write it out.
I'm feeling like a bit of a failure in the mother department. Cross that over with dropping off gifts with my son's family and thoughts in that department and, well, it's pretty much a recipe for "is there something wrong with me?".
This is a dumb question, but how in the heck do you reconcile yourself with not being perfect?
It's a stupid question, I know, but some days I just can't get over my own imperfections. I want
to have kids who are well behaved and respectful. I don't know the perfect recipe for making them
that way. I'm trying my best to help the 3 of them the best I know how, but sometimes I wish I had a partner who could see things the way I see them. I wish I had a partner who could be around more to help me when I'm feeling overwhelmed. A best friend who could have the time to give me when I'm having a rough day and feeling like I could use a hug. And a comforting shoulder to lay my head on. I realize, I'm a very emotional person. I am a deep thinker who feels things deeply. It sometimes takes me weeks to realize what the heck is bugging me and why I can't seem to find full happiness.  Call it what you will, it's just been one of those days. When a lot of stuff hit the fan and I was left picking up the pieces by myself. Some things definitely need to change in my life, but I'm just not sure what.
        Truthfully, Christmas this year feels sad. My relationship is not what it once was with my son's family. It makes my heart ache. It makes me worry a little for him and for myself and my family as well as his. How to fix it, I don't know.
       My kids are growing up so fast and suddenly we're dealing with things that feel like they're just smacking me in the face with no prior warning. Not big stuff and yet it is big stuff.
       Reed is gone too much and is too worried about work stuff and just doesn't have enough time for himself so I feel guilty asking for his time for me and our family.
        I'm feeling anxious, and worried and slightly depressed. Eating chocolate and any other carb I can get my hands on hasn't helped one bit. I feel as if I may not be being true to myself in every relationship in my life and that makes me sad. I've been there before and it got me in a whole lot of trouble. I don't want to go to that place of unhappiness and frustration with myself again.
        I feel spread so thin and yet Reed and I feel like we're supposed to be adding to our family. Yesterday I was feeling okay about that, even good! Today I am thinking, "What the heck are we thinking?!?".   Most of all I wish I could sit down and have a conversation with my husband about all of this and feel like he was actually listening. Yup...... I'd pay any amount of money to make that happen.

We Need An Update!

So, new things around here. These would include:

               Mirren got her first tooth yesterday. Hallelujah. Saints be praised.
  She likes to do "The Wheels on the Bus" arms, but she can't/won't clap. Go figure. She can also stand, but doesn't want to do it in case it might lead to walking because heaven forbid she try to be like everybody else. LOL  She loves to do EVERYTHING her older sisters do. If we don't include her, she will get upset. Or not go to sleep until after we're done not including her in scripture reading/singing a lullaby. And then insist on being laid back down again. She got pretty animated at the dentist office today. I think if they had let her, she would have had a tooth cleaning. Just because her older sisters did it. Her little tooth stub would have been so shiny! ;)

           Bronwyn is still herself. She has almost mastered writing her whole name. W's are hard to write. She keeps writing them upside down like an M. She has begun making up songs about any nonsensical thing. It's pretty funny. It also confirms how much she is going to LOVE the kid microphone she is getting for Christmas, and how tired we are going to get of it. She is still the finder of all things lost, and likes to put things away where they go. She is totally my kid in that department. Not in the finder of all things though. That's a total anomaly. She is looking forward to Primary. I will be one of her primary teachers. That should be interesting....  I sure hope she doesn't scream in class the way she screams at home....we're working on that one. Being gluten-free totally agrees with her, except I am thinking she may have a dairy allergy. She still has weird excema over a large part of her body. It's odd. I need to try going dairy free for her to see if it helps.

       Aftyn is reading! I love it!! I love the homework she brings home from preschool that includes sentences that she can sight read. A-may-zing! She loves preschool. She has become a different girl since starting it. She is a huge help at home. She is such a big help with Mirren. Everytime she picks Mirren up for me, Mirren starts laughing. It is the cutest thing! Aftyn is a fun and quirky little girl. We sure love her! She wants a pet more than anything. It is so cute. I told her a few weeks ago that when we were done having kids, I wanted to get a puppy. So now she tells me all the time that she wishes we could have some more kids so we could get that puppy. Oh what a kid!

      Reed is busy with tradeshows off and on and when he's not busy with tradeshows, he's busy with selling scales. Poor guy, he's pretty busy most of the time. It's nice when he gets to take a little breather and relax. He works so hard for us and tries so hard to be there for us as well even when he's out of town. We sure love him!

       I am doing well. My neck has decided to revolt, probably due to stress, so right now I've been trying to take it easy and ice it and whatever else I can do to help it not hurt. I'm hoping it will be better in a few days. It's only been hurting since Sunday night. I'll be fine. Mom's have to be, right? In the meantime, we're all decorated up for Christmas over here. Sure wish I could post some pictures. Oh well.

    There's your update! We're alive!!