Money.
What about the house.
We have to drive all the way there.
We have to pack up the house.
No Money.
We can't take anything with us.
Clothes, beds, dishes, a little food, a few movies.
I was excited by the adventure of driving across the country, of living in a different state, a different "world" than Idaho. (I had no idea what a different world it would be.)
The anticipation, stress and excitement got us to Massachusetts. After 5 weary days of long days driving and sleeping in all kinds of arrangements, I would gladly have lived anywhere as long as I was offered a comfy bed and no more driving! My kids had had it with the car, Aftyn needed to go to the doctor for an infection she had and I was tired of keeping the kids happy in the confines of their car seats.
Our City was a bit of a shock. But at this point, 2 months later, dealt with. No problemo.
Our Ward. A bit of a shock, but not entirely surprising. Very welcoming, kind and loving people within it.
I didn't expect Aftyn to have such a hard time adjusting to having strangers become like family.
I didn't expect her to freak out when we take the garbage down the hall and leave her sitting in the apartment for literally 2 minutes. You could hear her as you came back down the hall to the apartment, her cry for "Mommy!" a piercing cry bouncing off the walls. She's slowly overcoming it.
Friends. You may remember, a few posts ago, that I said I was accepting applications for friends here. I wasn't joking. 9 weeks after moving here, I still had no friends. No one I could call up and say, "Hey, want to get together today and go to the _______?". It's been hard for 9 weeks with my husband gone long days and no one here to call up and get out of the house with. This is not a pity me moment. This is a "haven't we all been here, it's humbling, and gut-wrenching and lonely and frankly it sucks" moment. Luckily, last Thursday Aftyn and I went to the library for storytime, invited by a new member of our ward who also has a 2 1/2 year old little girl who likes our Aftyn. We had a lovely afternoon, playing at their apartment afterward!
But not having friends can be detrimental. It IS humbling. It has made me look at myself. It has made me question myself. It has me acting defensively at times rather than instinctively like the person that I am. I haven't always felt like showing kindness or love to those around me, instead feeling like I better save a little of myself FOR myself rather than giving it to others. I have been a hoarder of my own goodness and happiness. That is why I'm writing this. I want to really look inside myself - and to be vulnerable with others a little - so that I can remember what it feels like to be the one looking from the outside with no one standing next to me to relate to. I want to remind myself to step up and help and love those around me because in giving of myself to them, I know I am really giving to myself as well. Jesus Christ, the man who gave his all to everyone else, never took a day off from helping others. He gained nothing but love for others by giving of himself, and I can learn from that. What a lesson for us all.
2 comments:
I'm glad you may have found a friend. I hope the adjustment becomes easier as you continue to settle in! Maybe try distracting AFtyn with cookies when you take the garbage out. That would totally work with me. :)
Oh dear. I hate these moments. And yes, I've had a few of my own... but not lately. It IS hard to not start getting a little defensive, or reclusive, or just downright sad when you feel like you're alone in the world. Wish we lived just a wee bit closer, so we could do more outings together or something. My kids talk about Aftyn and Bronwyn ALL the time.
Our RS lesson yesterday was called "fostering inclusion for all." Right up your ally! We talked about how the littlest things can be a big deal to someone who is lonely or down. Those little things are hard to do when it's YOU that's down, but that was what we talked about doing... extending ourselves and being brave, even when we're the ones who may be having a hard time. Oh, and looking for friendships in unlikely places -- the ladies in the ward who may be older and not have much in common with you on the surface. Visiting teaching can be a lifesaver... if you don't have an assignment, ask for one, and start doing it, even though it's tough to make schedules work, etc. Those are just some of the ideas that have helped me through some rough times. Good luck, and remember you're not really alone... just far away from lots of people who love and miss you!
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