Real

Many years ago, before Aftyn was born, Reed and I had planned and planned when we would finally get to try having a baby. That first month passed and I was bummed.

The second month came and lo and behold I was pregnant! I was visiting my sister who had just given birth to her second child and I was beyond excited. I shared the news with Reed over the phone and he was so pleased.

After a few more days of being at my sisters, I began to see signs that maybe everything with the pregnancy wasn't okay. I was spotting. By the time I got home from seeing my sister, the spotting was a lot more consistent, but I still had hope. I believed if I just had enough hope and faith that everything would be okay. I tried to take every precaution I could to ensure the safety of that pregnancy. I tried to stay off my feet whenever possible, even riding the electric wheelchair at the grocery store. But alas at 6.5 weeks I suffered a miscarriage. Which was excruciatingly painful physically and emotionally.

I was so brokenhearted. I felt so discouraged. After all the waiting and planning, what if there was something wrong and we wouldn't be able to have children? I had friends all around announcing their pregnancies and having their babies and I felt so left out.  My heart mourned and pained for the pregnancy I lost and wanted back.

5 months later I found myself pregnant again. So scared and so worried about each little twinge, every pound lost while I went through morning sickness. I had 2 extra ultrasounds in the beginning just so I could see my baby was okay. I'm sure the ultrasound tech and my doctor thought I was a bit over the top but I needed and wanted proof that everything was okay.

Happily Aftyn was born healthy and strong. My body wasn't broken!

A good number of months later, time for trying was again at hand. About month 2 or 3, I was feeling weird so I took a pregnancy test early. A faint positive line! I planned the cutest surprise for Reed, with Aftyn wearing a big sister sign on the back of her shirt. Reed was totally taken by surprise! Sadly, that awesome surprise lasted only 2 days when my period came just like clockwork. Google said it was a chemical pregnancy. My midwife thought it was a bunch of hooey.  Either way, about 4 months later, another successful pregnancy came along and Bronwyn was born 9 months later.

These 2 experiences have tainted the immense joy I might feel with each successive pregnancy because of the excessive worry I have. What if I continue to follow the pattern of failed pregnancy, successful pregnancy?  Those failures sure make it hard to want to try again, even if the next pregnancy might be a successful one.

I am writing this post today because I want my friends and family who may be struggling with infertility, who might be waiting for that positive sign on a pregnancy test to know that their pain is not alone. I know the pain that is felt when those around you joyfully announce their pregnancies. Please know that others babies do not take away from your babies. Heavenly Father has a plan for you and if your plan includes babies, those babies are still waiting for you, waiting for the fulfillment of Heavenly Fathers plan for them and you. Do not lose hope.

I will always remember one night while pregnant with my son who I placed for adoption. My heart was broken because I had always wanted to be a mother and here I was being given the opportunity only to hand it over to another mother. While pouring my heart out in prayer and sobbing the whole way through it, I had a picture pop into my mind. It was my children. They stood in a group and as a whole, I heard them say to me not to lose hope and not to be broken hearted. They were waiting for me.

   They are my reason for continuing to try, for persevering in spite of the heartache and pain of my losses. I have a real knowledge that if you feel a call to motherhood, there are routes open to you to be a mother. And if you don't know what route is right for you, pray. Heavenly Father always knows. And in His time he will reveal His plan to you.

And now, if you made it through all of that, I have an announcement. We're expecting our number 4 and we're so excited and grateful that everything, in spite of my being completely sure we were having a miscarriage, has worked out and I am 3 months pregnant today.  We look forward to the blessings this little person will bring to our family because we feel strongly that he/she is supposed to come at this time.  Hopefully they will join our family on or before September 4th!