Gone

Good news! My shingles are almost gone!

Bad news!  The reason I was getting so sick, probably, is also gone.

This past weekend, I miscarried my itty bitty baby. 

I was 13 weeks 5 days pregnant.

My water broke on Friday night. 

I rushed to the E.R.

No heartbeat. 

My heart stopped beating.

My head stopped working.

My body stopped feeling. 

My world is upside down.

Today my body started feeling again.

I started feeling that the whole thing just wasn't fair.

Other pregnant people only a few weeks ahead of me are finding out their baby's genders.

And I'm trying to make sense of such a big hurt in my life.

 I hate grieving.  I hate grief.

It takes patience. 

I will get through this. 

Just give me time.

Something Heavy

Tonight I find myself with something heavy on my heart and a need to just write. So here we go.

13 years ago, I placed my son for adoption. A son I love and loved. Very deeply. His birth father and I had made a go of being married but after a very short time, we gave up that dream. It just didn't work.

Fast forward 4 years, and I re-married. My husband now is an incredible man that I am grateful for, who taught me about love, loyalty and what being married is all about. Being committed for the long haul through all the hard stuff and the good stuff. Striving for eternity.

At the beginning of December, I found out that my 1st husband, my first son's birth dad, had died of cancer. It came as a complete shock and I felt so heartbroken for him and for my son who would never get to meet him in person in this life. My grief has surprised me. I always wanted my son and his birth father to have a relationship, to complete the picture in my head of my son knowing completely his background, what he came from. That picture cannot come to pass anymore, at least not the way I had imagined it.

Tonight I wrote a letter to my son's adoptive family, letting them know everything I knew about his birth dad so that I didn't have to carry the burden of holding all the contact info for birth dad's family and any other info that I needed to share. I shared some pictures that I had found while perusing social media, pictures of my ex-husband that brought my grief back to the surface. I don't understand this grief, or how heavy it feels right now.

I only know how very real it feels. And I can only imagine the sadness of his family. It is hard to lose someone that you care about and someone that you imagined a life with. I feels as if I've lost a part of myself.

Wellness, or So I Thought

Wellness was a wonderful relief, for about a week.

And then, I got this weird sore spot 

on the back of my neck for about 2 days.

On the 2nd day, I noticed a bump in the same area.

Odd, right?

Then I clued in to the fact that my shoulder was slightly aching 

and when I moved it, 

the muscles around  the joint seemed to hurt more than I would have expected

but, I surmised, I HAD been shoveling a lot of snow 

so maybe I was just out of shape. 

Even though I have been shoveling snow for weeks now.

But just in case, I looked at the skin on my shoulder. 

And saw this:

And then I made my daughter take a picture 

of the back of my neck where I had felt the bump. 

It looked like this:

Hmm. 

Weird red bumps. 

Do I have lice?

Nope.

But, with the bumps in little groups, after googling,

I figured out that I have SHINGLES!!

Yes, I have an old person disease. 

Except now I know that not only old people get shingles.

Healthy 35 year old women who have recently been through a lot of illnesses 

can also get shingles.

Luckily I had chicken pox as a child,

 so I will be fine as the antibodies I got from having chicken

pox will fight this current infection.

The current question I have:

 How do I keep from continuing to get sick?!? 

My current ideas: Getting lots of rest and taking my vitamins. 

Along with removing as much sugar from my diet as I possibly can.

Here's hoping I can kick this sickness and keep any other lurkers at bay.

At least for a while.

Dare I Say It?

I think we're well!  

2 days ago I had my last funky sore throat thing, and nothing since. 

Woot!! 

 Bronwyn also seems to be feeling well, 

and no new symptoms seem to be popping up 

so fingers crossed we'll be well for awhile. 

                                  Last Saturday Reed was feeling a little loopy. He decided, after being outside for awhile in insulated coveralls, that being buried in snow was a funny idea! So Bronwyn helped him and then came inside and asked me to find Daddy. I couldn't even see him! As soon as she pointed him out, I told him he was crazy and I was going to take a picture!

                What a goof! Later, after working outside a ton, he got really sick and spent the rest of the evening in bed shivering and sleeping. I think he actually got mild hypothermia. It took him forever to get warm!

For some reason the girls have been having fun eating while sitting on stools. So Lochlan climbed up on this stool and finished eating his food (on the plate) while straddling it. What a dork. I laughed at him and he was so proud of being a big boy like his sisters.

Fifth's Disease

I cannot even make this stuff up. 

We just finished administering the antibiotic of vomit for Bronwyn 

only 3 days ago, and now, here we are. 

Bronwyn's right cheek was rashy yesterday, and today her left cheek joined in. 

I was praying it was strep, but alas, the dr. told us he suspected Fifth's Disease. 

Here's the thing: by the time the rash shows up, the kid isn't even spreading it anymore. 

Their time to be contagious was silent and deadly and no one even knew it. 

Fingers crossed it stayed with Bronwyn. 

Aftyn has already had it so she can't get it again, 

and I hope Reed and I are in that same category since we went through 

the same silent and deadly contagious period. 

No more sickness!!