Something Heavy

Tonight I find myself with something heavy on my heart and a need to just write. So here we go.

13 years ago, I placed my son for adoption. A son I love and loved. Very deeply. His birth father and I had made a go of being married but after a very short time, we gave up that dream. It just didn't work.

Fast forward 4 years, and I re-married. My husband now is an incredible man that I am grateful for, who taught me about love, loyalty and what being married is all about. Being committed for the long haul through all the hard stuff and the good stuff. Striving for eternity.

At the beginning of December, I found out that my 1st husband, my first son's birth dad, had died of cancer. It came as a complete shock and I felt so heartbroken for him and for my son who would never get to meet him in person in this life. My grief has surprised me. I always wanted my son and his birth father to have a relationship, to complete the picture in my head of my son knowing completely his background, what he came from. That picture cannot come to pass anymore, at least not the way I had imagined it.

Tonight I wrote a letter to my son's adoptive family, letting them know everything I knew about his birth dad so that I didn't have to carry the burden of holding all the contact info for birth dad's family and any other info that I needed to share. I shared some pictures that I had found while perusing social media, pictures of my ex-husband that brought my grief back to the surface. I don't understand this grief, or how heavy it feels right now.

I only know how very real it feels. And I can only imagine the sadness of his family. It is hard to lose someone that you care about and someone that you imagined a life with. I feels as if I've lost a part of myself.