14 years ago today, I was in a hospital bed with my newborn in my arms. Tired because I had given birth later in the evening the night before and then called his dad, my ex-husband, at work to tell him I had had our baby. And then I had stayed up into the wee hours of the morning when he got off of work and came to see our little guy.
I knew that once he saw his sweet little face, he wouldn't be able to face the idea of placing our son for adoption. And I was right. He begged me to please re-consider this plan I had made. That we could be a family and we could keep our baby. But I knew the truth and it was that he was scared. He was scared to hurt as much as this would hurt and he knew that the decision I had made was the best decision for our son. Do you know how much this makes me cry even as I type this?!?! Because even now, I know it is true and I know how much pain I've gone through in making this decision that has broken my heart over and over and over again over the last 14 years. But our little son, who was so precious and trusting and pure, needed more than we could offer to him.
When he finally knew that I wouldn't re-consider, he hugged our sweet little son,looked into his eyes and left. And that was the last time he ever saw him in this life in person. Because my ex husband died last year and they will never have that opportunity again in this life.
It was 2 am and Carlos, my ex, promised me he would be coming back later before I left the hospital on the 1st of January to "say goodbye". So I went off to sleep with my mother in our room and I slept with my little babe in my arms because I wanted to soak in as much time with him as I possibly could. Every hour in the hospital I cried because it was one hour closer to handing him away and saying goodbye. So, 14 years ago, I was having each of my siblings come to meet my little Isaac and so many of them did. All but one sibling was able to come to the hospital and hold him. Sometime during that day, I received a visit from my counselor from LDS Family Services and he brought with him a flower bouquet from the couple I had chosen to parent my baby. He was there briefly and I carried on with my day of holding my son with my limited "forever". And in the evening 14 years ago, my mother made me wear a happy new years hat and balloons and all kinds of party decorations and I just sat in that hospital bed with my baby in my arms and my eyes red from crying because the next day would come placement. And my baby would not be "my" baby anymore. And so I just kept crying on and off all night. Much like I am as I write this.
Loving our ever changing, crazy, fantastic life
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
14 Years Ago Today, What I Remember
14 years ago today, I was hugely pregnant and tired beyond belief. I was 2 days away from my due date with no end in sight. This was both relieving to me and vexing. I was, typically, so done with being pregnant but I knew that each day I wasn't in labor was one more day with my baby boy before he was gone to live with his family.
The day before, on Christmas Day, my parents and 2 sisters and I had gone to my sister Suzette's for a Christmas morning breakfast. I recall eating too much, feeling too full and then feeling tired. Sounds like a pregnant lady, right? But my poor brother Jon and his wife, upon not being able to find anyone at my parents home, thought that surely I had gone into labor on Christmas and then spent some time on the phone calling around to the hospitals to find us. That memory has always made me feel a little bad and made me laugh. How spectacular would it have been to have a baby on Christmas, just like my Grandpa Whiting had been born as well. And also, all these years later, I'm grateful for the few days cushion between Christmas Day and my son's actual birthday. It helps me to have time to be happy before I find myself lost in my memories and the celebration of a life lived separately from mine.
The day before, on Christmas Day, my parents and 2 sisters and I had gone to my sister Suzette's for a Christmas morning breakfast. I recall eating too much, feeling too full and then feeling tired. Sounds like a pregnant lady, right? But my poor brother Jon and his wife, upon not being able to find anyone at my parents home, thought that surely I had gone into labor on Christmas and then spent some time on the phone calling around to the hospitals to find us. That memory has always made me feel a little bad and made me laugh. How spectacular would it have been to have a baby on Christmas, just like my Grandpa Whiting had been born as well. And also, all these years later, I'm grateful for the few days cushion between Christmas Day and my son's actual birthday. It helps me to have time to be happy before I find myself lost in my memories and the celebration of a life lived separately from mine.
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Tired
Over the past 16 days, I have traveled to Nampa and back, Ogden and back, Bountiful and back and today thanks to awful driving conditions only to Pocatello and back and NOT to Nampa. Secretly I'm glad. That would have been approximately four 3+ hour drives in the past 16 days. Our car is so filthy I don't even like to touch it if I can help it and I keep telling the kids to keep their hands off everything except the door handles. I tried to go to the car wash last night, only to find it closed. And then I gave up on trying to get the dang car clean. After trip number 2, I got 2 new tires put on the van and boy have I been grateful for the extra traction that has provided in all this snowy weather.
We have 2 weddings this month, and then had a surprise eye surgery pop up which also included a preemptive appointment to make sure surgery was needed. Fortunately/unfortunately, it was. And so it happened last Thursday. And we made it back on Thursday afternoon. And the snow started on Friday night. What a blessing that it held off for one more day so we could make it home safely and focus on Mirren's recovery.
Bronwyn is out of school now until the 2nd of January and Aftyn gets out of school for Christmas break this Friday and then goes back on the 8th of January.
I'd write more but I think the title of this post tells you why that's not happening right now. I'll try to get some pictures posted soon.
We have 2 weddings this month, and then had a surprise eye surgery pop up which also included a preemptive appointment to make sure surgery was needed. Fortunately/unfortunately, it was. And so it happened last Thursday. And we made it back on Thursday afternoon. And the snow started on Friday night. What a blessing that it held off for one more day so we could make it home safely and focus on Mirren's recovery.
Bronwyn is out of school now until the 2nd of January and Aftyn gets out of school for Christmas break this Friday and then goes back on the 8th of January.
I'd write more but I think the title of this post tells you why that's not happening right now. I'll try to get some pictures posted soon.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Halloween 2018
Everybody chose a couple things on the house to decorate and had a lot of fun
doing it.
to complete his look.
I ended up making was Aftyn's out of a pair of women's top and bottom pajama set from
the Deseret Industries. The kids had so much fun and got lots of candy, so in all
a very memorable Halloween.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Nothing New
Dear Blog Readers,
I have been waiting, trying to figure out how to upload all the fun pictures I have to share because our new home computer does not have a card reader . :( My solution is coming in the mail and THEN dear readers, there will be lots and lots and lots of blog posts and pictures and other lovely details of our lives here. Here's just a preview of what I have to write about: Lochlan turned 2! Halloween! Bronwyn going to charter school! and loads of other exciting posts. Stay tuned!
I have been waiting, trying to figure out how to upload all the fun pictures I have to share because our new home computer does not have a card reader . :( My solution is coming in the mail and THEN dear readers, there will be lots and lots and lots of blog posts and pictures and other lovely details of our lives here. Here's just a preview of what I have to write about: Lochlan turned 2! Halloween! Bronwyn going to charter school! and loads of other exciting posts. Stay tuned!
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Our Concrete Job
I told Reed he should do this on the side. He's good!
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Aftyn's Double Strabismus Surgery
It's been a long day but I figured I should write this down for posterity and for Aftyn to remember in about 18 years when she has hopefully forgotten this day.
Yesterday after school, all the kids and I went and picked Reed up at his work's office in Pocatello and off we drove to Ogden. We settled into our motel, watched a quick episode of Arthur and then off to sleep for all of us.
The alarm went off at 7. I quickly did my workout and by the time I was done, all the kids were milling around me. Since I knew we had to be at the surgery center at 9:30, I hurried all the kids except Aftyn off to breakfast with me. Aftyn couldn't eat because of her surgery so she and Reed watched Leave it to Beaver. After about 20-ish minutes and full of yummy food, we went back upstairs to get everyone dressed and gave Reed time to go and have his own quiet breakfast by himself. By the time he came back, I had kids dressed and hair done. Another 20-ish minutes and we were all packed up and out to the car with everything we had brought in the night before. Reed got confused and ended up taking us to the wrong place but got us where we needed to be in the end.
15 minutes after checking in, in a fairly small waiting room where there wasn't enough room for all of our family to sit together, Aftyn's name was called and she and I headed back to get her ready for her surgery. Good thing Reed and I had gone through this whole thing before with Mirren, we knew what to expect so we had already worked out who was doing what since we always needed one of us with the other kids and one of us with Aftyn. We got her dressed in her gown, put some large adult socks on her smaller child-sized feet and waited. We waited a while but the nurse came and tried to put an iv in Aftyn while we waited. That was interesting. We played I Spy. That was pretty fun. We told funny knock knock jokes. Those made us laugh. Through it all, poor Aftyn kept telling me with a smile on her face how nervous she was. How her stomach had butterflies. Then came our doctor. After a quick chat, then came our anesthesiologist who was tall and friendly. He was trying to make the situation as light and non-scary as possible, which I appreciated. Then off they went back behind those double doors that I couldn't go behind, so I headed back out to the waiting room to hand off the baton to Reed who would be waiting for her through surgery and would go back with her while she woke up enough to come out and hop in the car with the rest of us.
I took the kids to the local Smith's where we purchased some treats to hopefully entice Aftyn that she wanted to eat and some juice that might do the same after her surgery. We went and got some fast food for everyone to eat so that when Aftyn was done, we could just make the couple hour trip home as quickly as possible. When we got back to the surgery center, Aftyn was waking up but not enough for Reed to go back yet so I took the kids back out to the car and fed them lunch. Tried to kill some time and keep them contained and calm. Aftyn was taking longer than Mirren had because she felt much more nauseous than Mirren had. She would be fine, but then stand up and suddenly feel like throwing up. She and Reed were back in the recovery room for about 40 minutes, I would say. It was long waiting out in the parking lot, texting every 5 or so minutes to get an update. Finally, I saw Reed standing at the front doors! With Aftyn!!
We quickly picked them up and I could tell Aftyn did not feel good. It took her about an hour and a half to feel good enough to eat anything. She didn't want to eat or drink or open her eyes or anything until an hour and a half had passed. Once that time passed, we had a good hour where everything was happy and great and good. Right about that time, we were dropping Reed back off at his truck in Pocatello and Aftyn started crying that her stomach was REALLY hurting and she just wanted to be home. Ugh. So sad to have your child crying and feeling helpless as to how to help them.
We sped home and dealt with poor Aftyn not feeling good for the first part of that 45 minute drive but by the end she was back to feeling good, just really needing to stretch out and lay down horizontally. We got home and she did just that. Being home has helped her immensely!
Fast forward a couple of hours to when I had to do her second dose of antibiotic cream in her eyes. Oh my heck. She cried and was in so much pain. It just hurts my heart so much to watch her lay sobbing on the couch and saying how much it was stinging. :( But I kept reassuring her that it wouldn't always be so painful, that this pain was just temporary and it would get better.
And now, she's peacefully sleeping on the couch, her choice for the night. Pretty positive any ideas I had of her going back to school tomorrow are in the past and I just want to focus on her getting back to feeling 100% well again. Her eyes are blurry sometimes, they water sometimes, they hurt sometimes, they are sensitive and the light hurts them sometimes. But all of these things will go away and her eyes will benefit from this surgery and that is the thing we have to focus on even when the pain is bad or something seems so bad in that moment. It is just temporary and we can get through anything moment by moment until it gets better. Here's to tomorrow and hope.
Yesterday after school, all the kids and I went and picked Reed up at his work's office in Pocatello and off we drove to Ogden. We settled into our motel, watched a quick episode of Arthur and then off to sleep for all of us.
The alarm went off at 7. I quickly did my workout and by the time I was done, all the kids were milling around me. Since I knew we had to be at the surgery center at 9:30, I hurried all the kids except Aftyn off to breakfast with me. Aftyn couldn't eat because of her surgery so she and Reed watched Leave it to Beaver. After about 20-ish minutes and full of yummy food, we went back upstairs to get everyone dressed and gave Reed time to go and have his own quiet breakfast by himself. By the time he came back, I had kids dressed and hair done. Another 20-ish minutes and we were all packed up and out to the car with everything we had brought in the night before. Reed got confused and ended up taking us to the wrong place but got us where we needed to be in the end.
15 minutes after checking in, in a fairly small waiting room where there wasn't enough room for all of our family to sit together, Aftyn's name was called and she and I headed back to get her ready for her surgery. Good thing Reed and I had gone through this whole thing before with Mirren, we knew what to expect so we had already worked out who was doing what since we always needed one of us with the other kids and one of us with Aftyn. We got her dressed in her gown, put some large adult socks on her smaller child-sized feet and waited. We waited a while but the nurse came and tried to put an iv in Aftyn while we waited. That was interesting. We played I Spy. That was pretty fun. We told funny knock knock jokes. Those made us laugh. Through it all, poor Aftyn kept telling me with a smile on her face how nervous she was. How her stomach had butterflies. Then came our doctor. After a quick chat, then came our anesthesiologist who was tall and friendly. He was trying to make the situation as light and non-scary as possible, which I appreciated. Then off they went back behind those double doors that I couldn't go behind, so I headed back out to the waiting room to hand off the baton to Reed who would be waiting for her through surgery and would go back with her while she woke up enough to come out and hop in the car with the rest of us.
I took the kids to the local Smith's where we purchased some treats to hopefully entice Aftyn that she wanted to eat and some juice that might do the same after her surgery. We went and got some fast food for everyone to eat so that when Aftyn was done, we could just make the couple hour trip home as quickly as possible. When we got back to the surgery center, Aftyn was waking up but not enough for Reed to go back yet so I took the kids back out to the car and fed them lunch. Tried to kill some time and keep them contained and calm. Aftyn was taking longer than Mirren had because she felt much more nauseous than Mirren had. She would be fine, but then stand up and suddenly feel like throwing up. She and Reed were back in the recovery room for about 40 minutes, I would say. It was long waiting out in the parking lot, texting every 5 or so minutes to get an update. Finally, I saw Reed standing at the front doors! With Aftyn!!
We quickly picked them up and I could tell Aftyn did not feel good. It took her about an hour and a half to feel good enough to eat anything. She didn't want to eat or drink or open her eyes or anything until an hour and a half had passed. Once that time passed, we had a good hour where everything was happy and great and good. Right about that time, we were dropping Reed back off at his truck in Pocatello and Aftyn started crying that her stomach was REALLY hurting and she just wanted to be home. Ugh. So sad to have your child crying and feeling helpless as to how to help them.
We sped home and dealt with poor Aftyn not feeling good for the first part of that 45 minute drive but by the end she was back to feeling good, just really needing to stretch out and lay down horizontally. We got home and she did just that. Being home has helped her immensely!
Fast forward a couple of hours to when I had to do her second dose of antibiotic cream in her eyes. Oh my heck. She cried and was in so much pain. It just hurts my heart so much to watch her lay sobbing on the couch and saying how much it was stinging. :( But I kept reassuring her that it wouldn't always be so painful, that this pain was just temporary and it would get better.
And now, she's peacefully sleeping on the couch, her choice for the night. Pretty positive any ideas I had of her going back to school tomorrow are in the past and I just want to focus on her getting back to feeling 100% well again. Her eyes are blurry sometimes, they water sometimes, they hurt sometimes, they are sensitive and the light hurts them sometimes. But all of these things will go away and her eyes will benefit from this surgery and that is the thing we have to focus on even when the pain is bad or something seems so bad in that moment. It is just temporary and we can get through anything moment by moment until it gets better. Here's to tomorrow and hope.
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