14 years ago Today, What I Remember

14 years ago today, I was in a hospital bed with my newborn in my arms. Tired because I had given birth later in the evening the night before and then called his dad, my ex-husband, at work to tell him I had had our baby. And then I had stayed up into the wee hours of the morning when he got off of work and came to see our little guy.

  I knew that once he saw his sweet little face, he wouldn't be able to face the idea of placing our son for adoption. And I was right. He begged me to please re-consider this plan I had made. That we could be a family and we could keep our baby. But I knew the truth and it was that he was scared. He was scared to hurt as much as this would hurt and he knew that the decision I had made was the best decision for our son. Do you know how much this makes me cry even as I type this?!?!   Because even now, I know it is true and I know how much pain I've gone through in making this decision that has broken my heart over and over and over again over the last 14 years. But our little son, who was so precious and trusting and pure, needed more than we could offer to him.

  When he finally knew that I wouldn't re-consider, he hugged our sweet little son,looked into his eyes and left.  And that was the last time he ever saw him in this life in person. Because my ex husband died last year and they will never have that opportunity again in this life.

   It was 2 am and Carlos, my ex, promised me he would be coming back later before I left the hospital on the 1st of January to "say goodbye". So I went off to sleep with my mother in our room and I slept with my little babe in my arms because I wanted to soak in as much time with him as I possibly could. Every hour in the hospital I cried because it was one hour closer to handing him away and saying goodbye.  So, 14 years ago, I was having each of my siblings come to meet my little Isaac and so many of them did. All but one sibling was able to come to the hospital and  hold him. Sometime during that day, I received a visit from my counselor from LDS Family Services and he brought with him a flower bouquet from the couple I had chosen to parent my baby. He was there briefly and I carried on with my day of holding my son with my limited "forever". And in the evening 14 years ago, my mother made me wear a happy new years hat and balloons and all kinds of party decorations and I just sat in that hospital bed with my baby in my arms and my eyes red from crying because the next day would come placement. And my baby would not be "my" baby anymore. And so I just kept crying on and off all night. Much like I am as I write this.