New Years Day 2004. It had snowed a lot the night before and was still snowing, if I remember right. So the roads were a mess but from inside my hospital room, the world was white and beautiful. I woke up with dread. It was the day I had been leading up to, the day I had said I would take this baby who I loved with all my heart to an office where a couple I had picked to parent him would take him from me, or rather I would place him in their arms and they would take him with my permission home to be a part of their family.
Here's some facts: I had met this couple face to face once. Looking back, we had never REALLY discussed what open adoption looked like for them or for me. Visits, letters, phone calls had never been discussed in too great detail. I didn't even know where they lived or where my child would call home. I didn't know their last name.
Back to my story. Carlos had promised me he would come back before we had planned to leave the hospital to say his goodbye, so with that thought I slowly got my baby and myself ready for the actual placement. I don't remember dressing him, maybe my mom did that. I do remember dressing myself and showering. I remember stressing and worrying about Carlos coming because he just didn't seem to be coming. My counselor called finally, wondering when we would be coming to his office to do the placement. I told him my predicament and after talking to him, I decided to call Carlos to see what was going on. Over that phone call, Carlos told me he didn't want to come and say goodbye because it would be too painful. If only I too could have taken that out, so someone else could do what I still had to do. I don't really blame him. He didn't know how to deal with personal pain well. I knew I wanted to spend every last second with my Isaac until he was no longer mine to care for anymore and so I would see this through for my son.
Knowing that I was truly on my own in this decision of placing my child with another family, it was with a heavy heart that we left the hospital, my parents, my baby and I and got into the car. I was slightly nervous as I thought about and wondered what placement would actually be like. No one had really prepared me except for the fact that I would be there and his adoptive parents would be there and my counselor would be there. We went to the LDS Family Services Office where my counselor was waiting for us. He asked me a few questions that meant nothing to me at the time. I asked him if he wanted to hold my baby and he kinda freaked out. Still not sure why, but it's definitely something I remember.
I have pictures from that room. I don't remember feeling as happy as I looked. I teared up a few times while we waited for his adoptive parents to come but I was trying to hold my emotions back. And suddenly they were there. Their mere presence made me feel that there was something wrong in my holding my son and yet he was still mine. I needed to see that he would be taken care of, so I handed him to his adoptive mom despite her protests. I watched her face closely, her hands as they moved over his body. To ensure that my boy would be tenderly cared for, that she would love him with almost as much love as I had. His adoptive mom can be very reserved in her facial expressions and so it was hard to glean much. But the gentleness of her hands told me that my boy would be cared for, and that she would cherish him. Their older son was there and was quite a handful at 2 years old. He was excited for this baby that was suddenly his little brother. I don't remember a whole lot about our time together but it went too quickly.
My counselor told me it was time for me to go and have some alone time with my baby and say goodbye. I remember feeling it was all too surreal, as I went and sat in this quiet office alone on a couch with my baby. What was there to say that hadn't been said already? I had been preparing this baby for months from outside my womb that he would have a different family from me. That he needed to be a good boy. That I loved him so so much. That they would be his family and they would take care of him and love him. It felt like these were things I had already said so many times to him. I felt impatient to just let him go and let him be with his family because no amount of time holding him in that room would make up for the lifetime of years I would miss holding him.
And so I held him close, snuggled his little body close to mine one more time and kissed his soft cheek and stood up. Walked to the door, opened it, walked out to the front office one more time and handed him to his adoptive dad. I was ready to go. I don't remember saying a whole lot more, I was just ready to go. That sounds so cold and hard. But I couldn't think about what I was about to do because to think of it now makes my head spin. How did I walk away from my newborn baby boy like that?!? I was being comforted and hugged I know by angels and by my Heavenly Father because I will tell you, that was a once in a lifetime thing. NEVER again have I ever been able to leave my little babies and so I don't. But that day I did, and it still leaves me aching inside.
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