Starting Again

Yes, I got lost for a few months there. Life has been its normal busy-ness with a few extras added in. So, I'm starting with today. Today, I called Bronwyn's school secretary to excuse her from class thanks to some awesome car brake issues we are having, but also to find out if she made it into her school's talent show that she auditioned for yesterday.

 She! Made! It!!!!!

   Bronwyn was so excited she squealed with excitement and gave me a hard hug around the neck. And then we set to work getting her ready again so we could video tape it for all of you to see.

She and I have worked hard on choreographing this dance, butting heads but still moving forward. We have spent hours practicing and brainstorming how to make it more her. She and I have put our hearts and souls into this dance. Because that's just how dorky I guess we are. Ha ha!!!

She told me, from the time she brought home the paper talking about the school talent show, that she wanted to do it and she wanted to dance. And since she seemed to have so much conviction about it, I figured it would be a great learning experience. And I'd say it  has been.

Yesterday at her audition, she was so very very nervous when she saw all the older kids who filed into the gym to audition as well. She was the only kindergartner doing it. She held my arm like it was her life line and that made me worried that she might back out. But not once did she even mention the idea of quitting. She had planned to do it and she was going to do it by golly.

So without further ado, click on this link to take you to youtube so you can see it. And please don't share this link.            https://youtu.be/VrUwH38Dk_s

Daily Dish Washing and Other Menial Tasks...

Yup, that's what my week consisted of, right up there in the title.

Except for that one day when I got tired of Mirren crying as I finger combed her fine curly hair, and in that moment I realized Mirren could very well look back on her childhood and only remember me "hurting her" (her words) when I combed through her hair and taking it personally. So, I did what any mom would do when she makes this realization.

Ke-chaw!! I chopped that hair within the hour and Mirren hasn't cried about her hair since. Mom win!!  Her curls  have realized a new curliness but it's just adorable on her.


I worked on my chair this week because I'm too afraid to just jump into the 8 foot couch, so I'm tiptoeing into that by getting the chair done. I painted the legs (2 coats) and then poly'd them as well (2 coats).  That quite literally took most of the day because I had to wait so many hours between coats but in the meantime I started sewing all the pieces together. First I had to officially set up my sewing room (!!!!!) finally so now I have a comfortable workable set up where I can just sit down and sew whenever I need or want to. Why that took so long, who knows. Probably because I knew I needed to put my attention on the rest of the house before I could have my own private retreat for crafting.

Anyhow, I finished all the sewing about 10 pm on Saturday and I had to stop. Had to get my workout done and we had 9 am church this morning, so tomorrow morning, as soon as all the kids are in school, THAT CHAIR IS GETTING STAPLED TOGETHER!! I am soooooooo  excited because it turned out so much more beautiful than I even knew it could. I love the fabric I picked out and only juts realized that the fabric resembles the fabric I've been pulling off my couch. Ha ha!! That's ironic, huh?  Here's some pictures of the chair with the pieces draped where they should lay when it's all done.

Bottom picture is the before. This chair in its prime was SOO pretty. But now the fabric is dirty and ripped. :(  My sister Alyson, crafty crafter extraordinaire, reupholstered it and gave it to us originally and did an awesome job! I solemnly promise to Scotchguard the new fabric and to never wear pants with back pocket buttons on it. (That's how the black spot got on the old chair. My button wore a hole in the fabric.)

Weekly Catch Up

Reed was gone allllll week. And by all, I mean, leaving Wednesday and getting home tonight, Sunday, at 4:30 pm. But we all survived.

Week highlights: My visiting teacher came over and brought homemade gluten free banana bread. It was delish and my kiddos ate all but the one piece I had eaten the night before for breakfast. Which I was totally fine with because it was buying me extra "not having to get out of bed yet" time.

Lochlan has been singing all week. Lots of made up gibberish, occasionally songs I actually know. Tonight it was "Choose the right". But only those 3 words. Ha ha!!

Aftyn has one more week of gymnastics. She has really loved that class. But I think she's maybe getting a bit bored and I'm excited to see what she thinks of the drawing class that starts next week.

Bronwyn is loving her ballet class! This teacher has really pushed to have her learn more actual ballet and less of a dance routine, and I love that for her. She is getting some really great discipline as well.  She is also loving her charter school.

Mirren goes back in for her 6 week check up for her eye surgery. I'm a little worried because I've noticed increased redness on the inside of the eye that had surgery over the last few days and just today I noticed 2 small funky looking bulges on the inside of that same eye. I'm a little freaked because they definitely don't look normal so I'm glad we're seeing the eye surgeon in 2 days.

The weather has been so warm the last few days! We're loving it. The kids and Reed went for a short walk tonight before dinner to help get some of their wiggles out. Unfortunately, it didn't work. I know they really missed their Dad. Spring gets me all excited for PROJECTS! :)  Here's my lineup as of right now:     1) Another kitchen light that I've been working on while Reed was gone. Hopefully going to get that finished this week. I just need to cut down my wooden hoops and then I can put that light together and hang it up!
 2) Reupholstering our 8 foot couch. Getting some of the supplies I need to finish her up.
 3)Reupholstering our chair for the front room. Getting new fabric for that this week as well.

That list is probably adequate for right now because all of those projects alone will take me at least a week to get done. I'll add some pictures to this post later. And I'll have some more pictures for next week to let you see how these projects are coming!

Christmas 2017 Pictures

                    Sleepy Sunday

            Nothing more attractive than a man taking care of his kids

        Blocks were a big hit on this day

 Christmas entry

  Surgery eye, if you can't tell, it's on the right. Ouch

 Trying to take a picture of myself, looking all cute.
 30 pounds lost!

Christmas trolley rides through downtown Idaho Falls

Christmas Eve, Loch's was already asleep

 Reed's pictures come out blurry an awful lot.
 Close one eye and squint. ;)

Betty our cat made herself into a present in a bag
she found after Christmas

Catch Up Post: Normal Life For The Past 2 Months

     Bronwyn getting ready for school.

     Also, our bannister all decked out with lights for the holidays.

      I wish I had this kids hair.

     The color is fun, the texture is good.

     I have way too much fun doing it for him.

     He has a new appreciation for smells.

     He is sniffing all the time, telling everyone they smell "good".

     He's always sniffing his hair products after I put them in,

     telling me they smell good. Same with my perfume.

     He cracks me up.

     Girls are going to love him and his appreciation for scents. :)

                         

                                    

   Bronwyn and her poses.
I swear, she wants to be a model.

                                      

    Mirren, mid dance. She LOVES to dance and sing.

    Music is in her blood.

                                                                 

    Our outdoor lights.

   The paint was chipping and needed to be freshened up.

    Majorly!

                                                                 

    Yes, I am absolutely in love with our lights spray painted copper.

    Go ahead and tell me you think they don't match.

    Our neighbor boy did already and guess what!

    You and he would both be wrong.

    This color is gorgeous.

  
Last of all, Mirren got a really fun gift for her birthday.

It was the most fun gift she didn't know she even wanted!

Our big 4 year old girl. Sure love her and her big smiles.

Finally, 14 years and one week ago, Pt 2

On to the end, no really the beginning of Isaac's story but the end of my time as
his mother and how I became his birth mother instead.

So I had said my goodbyes to Isaac, handed him to his adoptive dad, and I just felt ready to leave. I couldn't think too hard about what I was about to do, and so I was holding onto this peaceful, calm feeling inside of me. This moment was what I had been preparing for and praying about for months.
It was time for me to walk out the door with my parents and leave my baby with his new parents.

I remember glimpsing him one last time in his dad's arms as I walked out the doors of the LDS Family Services office. It seemed odd to see his dad in there talking and smiling as if what I was doing was perfectly normal, leaving my baby with strangers who would become his parents.

I sat quietly in the car and buckled myself in. It was quiet on the ride home. I don't remember the radio being on or anyone talking at all. I know I didn't have much to say. I was just thinking and holding onto that feeling of comfort.

It was a quick 10 minute drive home. I walked into the house and took myself downstairs to my room where I had been living for months. I didn't even make it 12 feet before the strongest yearning came over me, a yearning for my baby. And I started to cry as my heart finally took in what I had just done. I HAD JUST LEFT MY BABY WITH STRANGERS AND HE NEEDED ME. I was his mother! I knew instinctively what he needed, I knew his smell, his sounds, his cries. I knew the feel of his grasp on my finger. I decided then and there that there was no way, in spite of all my promises to myself that I wouldn't go back on my word, that I could do this to my baby. It felt so unnatural and hurt so deeply. I went upstairs to my mom and I informed her, through my torrent of tears, that we had to go back and we had to get my baby. That I was sorry but I wanted Isaac. This hurt too much.

And my mother told me "Alysa, you are just tired. You need to get some sleep. You have hardly slept in days."  I knew what  my mom was saying, that she wouldn't help me go back and that I couldn't change what had already happened. It was for the best and I knew it.  She told me to lay on the couch and she would get me a blanket so I could take a nap. And that's what I did. I stupidly laid on the couch because what else could I do.

I think my mother must have been the one to grab the little bear Isaac's adoptive parents gave to me. When she handed me the blanket, the bear was in my hands. It was just the size of Isaac but without his added weight and without his special to me smell. I lay there holding it to my chest, crying silently as my tired body betrayed me by relaxing until I could no longer think of him, except in my dreams. This was the moment when my heart really and truly broke. I think of this moment very similarly as to when the Savior allowed himself to be killed. He allowed others to hurt him because he knew it was what he needed to do. I do not compare myself to Jesus, but the sacrifice in allowing myself to be hurt to help others is very real. I do not know how I had the strength to continue on from this point because it was such a low and humble place. I was truly broken. My heart, my spirit, my hope.

I slept for a few hours, exhausted. I woke up to early evening and my parents quietly preparing and eating dinner. I went in and rather dejectedly ate. I had little appetite and didn't want to eat. I just wanted to be in my sorrow. I think my parents sensed my mood and quickly printed out all the pictures we had taken in the hospital. And there my baby was, alive again to me. Those moments all too real again, in color. His little eyes, his nose, his fingers, his feet. I could smell him again almost. Those pictures saved me. My sister had taken a video of Isaac while we were in the hospital and I watched it again and again that night. He was real. He had been mine. But he wasn't mine anymore. I didn't do a lot of talking that night, I just looked and looked at pictures and video that confirmed over and over that he had been mine, that he was real.

And later that night, I took my pictures to bed with me. The last thing I saw before my eyes closed, the first thing I could see when my eyes opened. I talked to those pictures, the same that I had when he'd been inside of me. It was soothing to my soul, to still feel that he cared and wanted the best for me. I knew that he knew he was going to have a new life away from me. I prayed constantly that he was okay, that he was being comforted.

And when I woke up to a new morning, my new life started. Because I would never be the same person that I had been before.

I found out a few days after placement that they had named my son Nicolas and kept the name Isaac as his middle name in honor of me since that was the name Carlos and I had decided on. I do feel that was special and something I'm grateful for.

14 years and one week ago now.....

Before I continue this story, here's some of my thoughts on my documenting these memories from 14 years ago. These memories hurt. Yes, I write them down so that YOU and anyone else who wants to can read and hear from my perspective about placing my newborn child for adoption. What you don't see is the anguish, the tears and sobbing, the sadness and loneliness. This remembering is physically painful, emotionally painful. I can smell the smells, feel his skin, the weight of his body in my arms and the emotions like it was just yesterday. So I write the words for you to read, but I mostly write this for myself, for my kids, for my husband, and someday for my son to read.

The next part of my story actually hurts more than any other part, which is why I have been loathe to write it. It's the part where I move on as if my life were unaffected by the fact that I just grew a human, loved him with every breath of my body and then with all that still happening, placing him into the arms of people who I trust after only knowing them for, really, a few hours and walking away so that they can take him home to integrate into their family and pretending like their lives haven't just changed in some hugely dynamic unexpected way. And same for me. I have had to live my life for the last 14 years like those 3 days of my life of giving birth, seeing my baby become a reality and then in that next instant giving him to a couple to call Mom and Dad. I have had to "act" like my life didn't just change forever. Because it did and it will forever be changed. It will forever be both happier and more sad in the same breath.