Enough

  I stayed up late last night, coming up with the song to present to my choir members for our choir practice this morning. After not a great nights sleep, I woke up too late to go to the church's library to make my photo copies (on their photocopier and at their expense) of the song we needed to practice, so instead had my husband make a few copies with our printer/copier while I shoved lukewarm oatmeal into my mouth while doing my hair/throwing on clothes/brushing my teeth so I could run to my 10 am choir practice.
   I introduced the song (we have to perform next week) to my choir members and ALL of them questioned my choice. I tried telling them I had felt a strong impression we needed to sing this song. They were still less than impressed. After selling the song for 45 minutes and singing it through at least 10 times with them, we ended on a positive note with everyone feeling better, except for me.
   I arrived home feeling the need to prove myself to my choir, and started organizing our performance binders and planning ways to make them look polished for next week's performance. My husband was giving me a look and said "Alysa, you should start getting ready for church."
   I quickly brushed him aside, instead deciding to finish up my lesson for our Sunday School class of 15-16 year olds. 30 minutes later I had my material printed, stapled and in my Sunday bag.
   3 little heads needed their hair done for church, one little man needed Sunday clothes picked out, a diaper bag needed to be packed, lunch needed to be made and devoured by all, and shoes needed to be found for at least 1 person.
    40 minutes to go before church began and I finally decided it was time to get myself ready for church. I walked into my bedroom only to be reminded by the little baby sleeping on my bed that he needed to be fed quickly before I got myself dressed and ready. 15 minutes later and the baby was only half fed and wanting to take his feeding TOO slowly. I would have to finish nursing him at church. I started to get myself ready when the anxiety hit.
    Were ALL my efforts just for not?  What if my Sunday School class ended up being like choir, a fail? Why get dressed for church when no matter what I wear, I will still look fat? On and on the negative feelings piled themselves on, and I, feeling defeated, sat next to my husband on our bed and said, "What if I'm not enough?".
    And even though my loving husband told me I WAS enough, I didn't believe it. We went to church, at least 15 minutes late, and I didn't want to be there. It was fast and testimony meeting and our bishop got up and said the words I needed to hear. How he knew I needed to hear that, I know was through the spirit. And I'm sure I wasn't the only one who needed to hear them.
     Sacrament meeting was crazier than normal in our seats. Mirren decided to try wandering today, which made for some frustration. She was tired because of our late church time with no nap under her belt. I was still not feeling like I wanted to be there. When sacrament meeting ended, I turned to my husband and said "Why don't you just take all the kids home."  Bronwyn had been complaining for an hour before church about feeling sick but we made her come anyway, Aftyn had just turned to me and complained of feeling sick, and adding in Mirren and how my anxieties were getting to me, I was just ready to call the whole thing off. What was the point in continuing to try? I could just go and teach my class and then go home myself. It sounded heavenly.

        I'm ending my story there, suffice it to say, after all 3 hours, all my family stayed and went to all of their meetings and I went home happy. Happy and feeling much calmer. And feeling like my efforts are enough, that I do make a difference and that I matter. And I guess for today, that is enough.