I'll consider it normal for me. Please feel free to skip it
and maybe come back in a few weeks when I can start to step away from it.)
It has been an interesting week.
I've been gathering my littles close to me,
wanting to create a nest of comfort and love and family togetherness
as we've all dealt with the loss of our baby in varying degrees.
Each day has felt like a Monday.
The day after I had my miscarriage ironically.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday felt like they never existed
because my world couldn't move forward
from the day after it felt like it crashed down.
I feel like I've been searching this week.
Searching for an answer,
searching for my baby,
searching for the solution
that pieces me back together and helps me to feel whole again.
I clung to and worked myself sore and tired this week.
Over a quilt that while in the woes of morning sickness
and the lack of energy that accompanies it,
I lamented that I had wanted to finish in time for Christmas.
With a sure feeling in my heart that finishing this quilt
would bring me closeness to my pregnancy and the baby I had carried,
I finished it finally after hours and hours and hours of work.
And do you know what I felt?!?
Elation, happiness, wholeness?
No.
Emptiness.
And I remembered, from my long ago days
of newly grieving for my son who I placed for adoption,
that nothing fills the hole that the unrequited love of a child leaves in your heart.
It is only as you piece together your life again,
day by day, choice by choice, moment by moment,
greeting every day with faith in your heart and courage in your step,
to face each day with that familiar ache in your heart,
that life begins to move forward again.
What I wouldn't pay for someone to go through that process for me
but I know that it is only through the hard moments
in my future and in my present
that Heavenly Father is refining me.
That through this pain as I reach to Him in faith
that I will survive, recognizing that there is purpose to it.
That when I look back many years from now
I will see the blessings waiting behind this trial
and I will see the growth in myself
as I've come through it.
And someday when I reunite with my baby,
my aching arms will know that it was worth it.
