14 years Ago Yesterday, What I Remember But Don't Like To PT 1

New Years Day 2004.  It had snowed a lot the night before and was still snowing, if I remember right. So the roads were a mess but from inside my hospital room, the world was white and beautiful.  I woke up with dread. It was the day I had been leading up to, the day I had said I would take this baby who I loved with all my heart to an office where a couple I had picked to parent him would take him from me, or rather I would place him in their arms and they would take him with my permission home to be a part of their family.
   Here's some facts: I had met this couple face to face once.  Looking back, we had never REALLY discussed what open adoption looked like for them or for me. Visits, letters, phone calls had never been discussed in too great detail. I didn't even know where they lived or where my child would call home. I didn't know their last name.
    Back to my story. Carlos had promised me he would come back before we had planned to leave the hospital to say his goodbye, so with that thought I slowly got my baby and myself ready for the actual placement. I don't remember dressing him, maybe my mom did that. I do remember dressing myself and showering. I remember stressing and worrying about Carlos coming because he just didn't seem to be coming. My counselor called finally, wondering when we would be coming to his office to do the placement. I told him my predicament and after talking to him, I decided to call Carlos to see what was going on. Over that phone call, Carlos told me he didn't want to come and say goodbye because it would be too painful.  If only I too could have taken that out, so someone else could do what I still had to do. I don't really blame him. He didn't know how to deal with personal pain well. I knew I wanted to spend every last second with my Isaac until he was no longer mine to care for anymore and so I would see this through for my son.
        Knowing that I was truly on my own in this decision of placing my child with another family, it was with a heavy heart that we left the hospital, my parents, my baby and I and got into the car. I was slightly nervous as I thought about and wondered what placement would actually be like. No one had really prepared me except for the fact that I would be there and his adoptive parents would be there and my counselor would be there. We went to the LDS Family Services Office where my counselor was waiting for us. He asked me a few questions that meant nothing to me at the time. I asked him if he wanted to hold my baby and he kinda freaked out. Still not sure why, but it's definitely something I remember.
        I have pictures from that room. I don't remember feeling as happy as I looked. I teared up a few times while we waited for his adoptive parents to come but I was trying to hold my emotions back. And suddenly they were there. Their mere presence made me feel that there was something wrong in my holding my son and yet he was still mine. I needed to see that he would be taken care of, so I handed him to his adoptive mom despite her protests. I watched her face closely, her hands as they moved over his body. To ensure that my boy would be tenderly cared for, that she would love him with almost as much love as I had. His adoptive mom can be very reserved in her facial expressions and so it was hard to glean much. But the gentleness of her hands told me that my boy would be cared for, and that she would cherish him. Their older son was there and was quite a handful at 2 years old. He was excited for this baby that was suddenly his little brother. I don't remember a whole lot about our time together but it went too quickly.
     My counselor told me it was time for me to go and have some alone time with my baby and say goodbye. I remember feeling it was all too surreal, as I went and sat in this quiet office alone on a couch with my baby. What was there to say that hadn't been said already?  I had been preparing this baby for months from outside my womb that he would have a different family from me. That he needed to be a good boy. That I loved him so so much. That they would be his family and they would take care of him and love him. It felt like these were things I had already said so many times to him. I felt impatient to just let him go and let him be with his family because no amount of time holding him in that room would make up for the lifetime of years I would miss holding him.
   And so I held him close, snuggled his little body close to mine one more time and kissed his soft cheek and stood up. Walked to the door, opened it, walked out to the front office one more time and handed him to his adoptive dad. I was ready to go. I don't remember saying a whole lot more, I was just ready to go.  That sounds so cold and hard. But I couldn't think about what I was about to do because to think of it now makes my head spin. How did I walk away from my newborn baby boy like that?!?  I was being comforted and hugged I know by angels and by my Heavenly Father because I will tell you, that was a once in a lifetime thing. NEVER again have I ever been able to leave my little babies and so I don't. But that day I did, and it still leaves me aching inside.
       

14 years ago Today, What I Remember

14 years ago today, I was in a hospital bed with my newborn in my arms. Tired because I had given birth later in the evening the night before and then called his dad, my ex-husband, at work to tell him I had had our baby. And then I had stayed up into the wee hours of the morning when he got off of work and came to see our little guy.

  I knew that once he saw his sweet little face, he wouldn't be able to face the idea of placing our son for adoption. And I was right. He begged me to please re-consider this plan I had made. That we could be a family and we could keep our baby. But I knew the truth and it was that he was scared. He was scared to hurt as much as this would hurt and he knew that the decision I had made was the best decision for our son. Do you know how much this makes me cry even as I type this?!?!   Because even now, I know it is true and I know how much pain I've gone through in making this decision that has broken my heart over and over and over again over the last 14 years. But our little son, who was so precious and trusting and pure, needed more than we could offer to him.

  When he finally knew that I wouldn't re-consider, he hugged our sweet little son,looked into his eyes and left.  And that was the last time he ever saw him in this life in person. Because my ex husband died last year and they will never have that opportunity again in this life.

   It was 2 am and Carlos, my ex, promised me he would be coming back later before I left the hospital on the 1st of January to "say goodbye". So I went off to sleep with my mother in our room and I slept with my little babe in my arms because I wanted to soak in as much time with him as I possibly could. Every hour in the hospital I cried because it was one hour closer to handing him away and saying goodbye.  So, 14 years ago, I was having each of my siblings come to meet my little Isaac and so many of them did. All but one sibling was able to come to the hospital and  hold him. Sometime during that day, I received a visit from my counselor from LDS Family Services and he brought with him a flower bouquet from the couple I had chosen to parent my baby. He was there briefly and I carried on with my day of holding my son with my limited "forever". And in the evening 14 years ago, my mother made me wear a happy new years hat and balloons and all kinds of party decorations and I just sat in that hospital bed with my baby in my arms and my eyes red from crying because the next day would come placement. And my baby would not be "my" baby anymore. And so I just kept crying on and off all night. Much like I am as I write this.

14 Years Ago Today, What I Remember

14 years ago today, I was hugely pregnant and tired beyond belief. I was 2 days away from my due date with no end in sight. This was both relieving to me and vexing. I was, typically, so done with being pregnant but I knew that each day I wasn't in labor was one more day with my baby boy before he was gone to live with his family.
     The day before, on Christmas Day, my parents and 2 sisters and I had gone to my sister Suzette's for a Christmas morning breakfast. I recall eating too much, feeling too full and then feeling tired. Sounds like a pregnant lady, right?  But my poor brother Jon and his wife, upon not being able to find anyone at my parents home, thought that surely I had gone into labor on Christmas and then spent some time on the phone calling around to the hospitals to find us. That memory has always made me feel a little bad and made me laugh. How spectacular would it have been to have a baby on Christmas, just like my Grandpa Whiting had been born as well.   And also, all these years later, I'm grateful for the few days cushion between  Christmas Day and my son's actual birthday. It helps me to have time to be happy before I find myself lost in my memories and the celebration of a life lived separately from mine.

Tired

Over the past 16 days, I have traveled to Nampa and back, Ogden and back, Bountiful and back and today thanks to awful driving conditions only to Pocatello and back and NOT to Nampa. Secretly I'm glad. That would have been approximately four 3+ hour drives in the past 16 days. Our car is so filthy I don't even like to touch it if I can help it and I keep telling the kids to keep their hands off everything except the door handles. I tried to go to the car wash last night, only to find it closed. And then I gave up on trying to get the dang car clean. After trip number 2, I got 2 new tires put on the van and boy have I been grateful for the extra traction that has provided in all this snowy weather.

  We have 2 weddings this month, and then had a surprise eye surgery pop up which also included a  preemptive appointment to make sure surgery was needed. Fortunately/unfortunately, it was.  And so it happened last Thursday.  And we made it back on Thursday afternoon. And the snow started on Friday night. What a blessing that it held off for one more day so we could make it home safely and focus on Mirren's recovery.

Bronwyn is out of school now until the 2nd of January and Aftyn gets out of school for Christmas break this Friday and then goes back on the 8th of January.

I'd write more but I think the title of this post tells you why that's not happening right now. I'll try to get some pictures posted soon.

Halloween 2018

                          We had fun the week after Halloween making this "spooky" Halloween house.
                           Everybody chose a couple things on the house to decorate and had a lot of fun
                            doing it.

                                             Lochlan's clean cut biker look for Halloween

 Aftyn dressed up as Wendy from Peter Pan and Lochlan had his 5 o'clock shadow
      to complete his look.

             Mirren was Minnie Mouse and Bronwyn was little Red Riding Hood. The only costume

     I ended up making was Aftyn's out of a pair of women's top and bottom pajama set from

          the Deseret Industries. The kids had so much fun and got lots of candy, so in all

          a very memorable Halloween.

Nothing New

Dear Blog Readers,

       I have been waiting, trying to figure out how to upload all the fun pictures I have to share because our new home computer does not have a card reader . :(  My solution is coming in the mail and THEN dear readers, there will be lots and lots and lots of blog posts and pictures and other lovely details of our lives here. Here's just a preview of what I have to write about: Lochlan turned 2! Halloween! Bronwyn going to charter school! and loads of other exciting posts. Stay tuned!

Our Concrete Job

                                         It's time to fill this empty gap with some concrete!

                                                               Tools are all ready

                             We've done this so many times we have our own tools for it now.
                               I told Reed he should do this on the side. He's good!

                                                  Reed, the concrete professional

                                   Headlamps in the dark. We always end up finishing in the dark.

                              Brooming. AKA Putting those subtle lines in the concrete for traction.

                                                                Finished!!

                                            Here's what it looked like a day and a half later

                                              Form free! This is what it really looks like!

                                 Whoops. Didn't realize the camera was tilted. Ha!! Looks great!!